What Penn State Reminds Us About Abuse-Proofing Your Child

The high profile Penn State case of associate football coach Jerry Sandusky abusing children in his care over a ten year period should be shocking, but sounds all too familiar to those of us who work on sexual abuse prevention. Children are primarily abused by adults who know them well; people who abuse children look for opportunities to be with children and groom them as trusted adults getting to know them, as Sandusky did at his center; too many times other adults look the other way.

What is shocking though is to think that when reported, officials perhaps all the way up to Coach Patierno and even perhaps the President looked the other way rather than hurt the football program. I hope that isn't true, but it certainly reminds us of the Roman Catholic Bishops and Cardinals who did just that when faced with allegations against priests.

So, what does this remind us to do? First, to report any adult we suspect of child abuse.

And second, to use this as a teachable moment to 'abuse-proof' your children. Make sure that the programs your children attend -- scouts, soccer, school, church or synagogue -- have a strong policy on keeping children safe, including screening and background checks for volunteers and employees and never being alone with children. Make sure that your child knows that most people would never hurt children, but that an older, bigger, stronger person should never touch a child's genitals. Make sure your child knows that adults don't ask children to be their friends or keep secrets, and that if someone makes them feel bad, funny, or uncomfortable with their touch or their words, they should tell you. Tell them that their body is wonderful, it belongs to them, and that they can say no to unwanted touch. And finally, tell them to come and tell you if someone does touch them. You may not be able to prevent the first case of abuse, but if your child is equipped with language and this information, you can prevent the second.

It's been a week of teachable moments in the news, with Herman Cain and Penn State. I hope you are using them.

(For more ideas on preventing sexual abuse of children, you might want to read my books "From Diapers to Dating" or "What Every 21st Century Parent Needs to Know."

What Common Ground Looks Like

I'm just back from talking with somewhere between 400 and 500 parents in Hamilton, Ontario, about my latest book What Every 21st Century Parent Needs to Know and how to help their young people make healthy, moral, ethical sexual decisions.

The event was sponsored by the Sexual Health Network, a coalition of organizations chaired by the director of programs for the Catholic diocese of Hamilton, and includes members of the public health program, the schools and abstinence-only groups. They've joined together for a "Worth the Wait" program, encouraging high school age teens to delay getting involved in sexual activity.

I spoke for over an hour and answered questions for 45 minutes. I talked about why it is important for parents to give their teens their own family values about when it might be appropriate to have mature sexual behaviors of any kind; I talked about my CUHMP (the five criteria for a moral sexual relationship and the three variables that determine them); and I talked about the need to give young people "mixed messages" about sexual behaviors just like we do on drinking: in essence, we don't want you to and if you do, we want you to protect your life and future. I encouraged parents to think about what they really mean when they ask their teens to abstain (from what? until when?) and to be explicit in communicating with them.

The other "A" word never came up...it would have if someone had asked me how to approach a teen who tells you that she is pregnant, but my message was PREVENTION and PARENTING, and because my emphasis is on helping parents give THEIR (not MY) values to their children and teens, it was well received.

Dinner with the woman from the Catholic diocese was a balm for me after these past few days of people trying to paint me into a corner. There IS common ground on reducing teenage pregnancies and teenage sexual behaviors -- just as there IS common ground on supporting low income women who choose to have (more) children and not have social, medical or economic barriers to doing so.

Based on the one-on-one conversations I had with people after the talk tonight, I'm confident that I helped a lot of people think about how they might be more effective parents, especially around the areas of sex, alcohol and drugs. Despite that it's now going on 15 hours since I left home, it also helped me.

21st Century Parent on TV

I'm in San Francisco speaking for two days. I presented a program for 50 parents at the Calvary Presbyterian Church tonight, and tomorrow I do programs at two schools and then an open program at the JCC.

I was on a local San Francisco afternoon TV show about my new book. You can watch it here:

www.viewfromthebay.com

Maria Shriver was also there, speaking about her new book.

Let me know what you think.

And The Review Said...

Publisher's Weekly just published it's review of my new book,
What Every 21st Century Parent Needs to Know.

Here's what they said, and the link to the actual column.


http://www.publishersweekly.com/article/CA6547683.html?industryid=47159


Parenting What Every 21st-Century Parent Needs to Know: Facing Today's Challenges with Wisdom and Heart Debra W. Haffner. Newmarket, $24.95 (240p) ISBN 978-1-55704-787-8
Haffner (From Diapers to Dating), an ordained Unitarian minister, isn't afraid to tackle the big questions, including drinking, drugs and teen sex. But while Haffner “tells it like it is,” she also presents the research and statistics to prove that many of parents' worst fears are unfounded. Instead of a media-hyped view of the challenges parents face in the 21st century, Haffner concludes that most kids are on the right track; in fact, she claims that they are “smart, committed, and engaged in their families and communities,” and that they are making better choices about health and related issues than many of their parents did at the same age. The author stresses that parenting style can have a significant impact on whether kids go down undesirable roads. Utilizing what she calls the “Affirming Parent” style, she offers a number of viable solutions to common problems, ranging from Internet use to overscheduling. Haffner covers a great deal of ground in this compact book; readers will appreciate her just-the-facts-please approach as well as her tendency to interpret the stats from the bright side. (May)

Nice, right? It's exciting to get this type of review. If you are a parent or a grandparent, or someone who works with youth professionally, I hope you'll buy the book. If you do it at the link on the right side of the blog, a portion of the proceeds will support the Religious Institute. You can read excerpts at www.21stcenturyparent.com

And if you do read it, tell me what you think. After all, it's the opinions of parents that matter to me the most.