The high profile Penn State case of associate football coach Jerry Sandusky abusing children in his care over a ten year period should be shocking, but sounds all too familiar to those of us who work on sexual abuse prevention. Children are primarily abused by adults who know them well; people who abuse children look for opportunities to be with children and groom them as trusted adults getting to know them, as Sandusky did at his center; too many times other adults look the other way.
What is shocking though is to think that when reported, officials perhaps all the way up to Coach Patierno and even perhaps the President looked the other way rather than hurt the football program. I hope that isn't true, but it certainly reminds us of the Roman Catholic Bishops and Cardinals who did just that when faced with allegations against priests.
So, what does this remind us to do? First, to report any adult we suspect of child abuse.
And second, to use this as a teachable moment to 'abuse-proof' your children. Make sure that the programs your children attend -- scouts, soccer, school, church or synagogue -- have a strong policy on keeping children safe, including screening and background checks for volunteers and employees and never being alone with children. Make sure that your child knows that most people would never hurt children, but that an older, bigger, stronger person should never touch a child's genitals. Make sure your child knows that adults don't ask children to be their friends or keep secrets, and that if someone makes them feel bad, funny, or uncomfortable with their touch or their words, they should tell you. Tell them that their body is wonderful, it belongs to them, and that they can say no to unwanted touch. And finally, tell them to come and tell you if someone does touch them. You may not be able to prevent the first case of abuse, but if your child is equipped with language and this information, you can prevent the second.
It's been a week of teachable moments in the news, with Herman Cain and Penn State. I hope you are using them.
(For more ideas on preventing sexual abuse of children, you might want to read my books "From Diapers to Dating" or "What Every 21st Century Parent Needs to Know."
Showing posts with label parent child communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parent child communication. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Friday, May 07, 2010
This Week's Teachable Moments: Lawrence Taylor, Escorts, and The Pill
If you've read my books for parents on raising sexually healthy children and teens, you know that I recommend using every day moments to provide your children with a little bit of information about sexuality and a little bit about your values.
The news regularly provides opportunities to talk with your children about sexuality issues. From elementary school and up, your child is hearing information about sexuality from news sources, even if you don't think they are paying attention. And if you don't initiate talks about these topical areas, they may be left to figure it out on their own. These news stories can also provide a "hook" for you to bring up topics with your children.
I'm guessing that from age 10 and up, your child will hear about Lawrence Taylor's arrest for sex with a minor yesterday. This story could give you an opportunity to talk about the age of consent in your state, about healthy sexual relationships, about your values about fidelity in marriage.
Or then there's the story of the co-founder of the Family Research Council paying a male escort to travel with him in Europe through a gay online escort service. That would give you a chance to talk about sexual orientation or paying for sex or hypocrisy or again healthy sexual relationships.
Or maybe you're in the car and there's a story about the 50th anniversary of "the pill" this week. That gives you a chance to talk about contraception, how sexual attitudes have changed during your lifetime, or healthy sexual relationships.
The content needs to be age appropriate -- your discussion with your 8-year-old is different than with your 16-year-old, but the process I recommend is the same. Here are the three steps for a teachable moment discussion:
1) Ask your children what they've heard. Find out what they know.
2) Clarify their information, clear up misinformation.
3) Give your child YOUR family values. Say, "In our family, we believe...."
And keep it short. As my son used to remind me while pointedly looking at his watch, "Mom, it's a teachable moment, not a teachable hour."
***
P.S. - If you are a parent and don't have my parenting books, click on the link to the right, and you can buy a copy at amazon.com and have a small donation returned to the Religious Institute.
The news regularly provides opportunities to talk with your children about sexuality issues. From elementary school and up, your child is hearing information about sexuality from news sources, even if you don't think they are paying attention. And if you don't initiate talks about these topical areas, they may be left to figure it out on their own. These news stories can also provide a "hook" for you to bring up topics with your children.
I'm guessing that from age 10 and up, your child will hear about Lawrence Taylor's arrest for sex with a minor yesterday. This story could give you an opportunity to talk about the age of consent in your state, about healthy sexual relationships, about your values about fidelity in marriage.
Or then there's the story of the co-founder of the Family Research Council paying a male escort to travel with him in Europe through a gay online escort service. That would give you a chance to talk about sexual orientation or paying for sex or hypocrisy or again healthy sexual relationships.
Or maybe you're in the car and there's a story about the 50th anniversary of "the pill" this week. That gives you a chance to talk about contraception, how sexual attitudes have changed during your lifetime, or healthy sexual relationships.
The content needs to be age appropriate -- your discussion with your 8-year-old is different than with your 16-year-old, but the process I recommend is the same. Here are the three steps for a teachable moment discussion:
1) Ask your children what they've heard. Find out what they know.
2) Clarify their information, clear up misinformation.
3) Give your child YOUR family values. Say, "In our family, we believe...."
And keep it short. As my son used to remind me while pointedly looking at his watch, "Mom, it's a teachable moment, not a teachable hour."
***
P.S. - If you are a parent and don't have my parenting books, click on the link to the right, and you can buy a copy at amazon.com and have a small donation returned to the Religious Institute.
Monday, April 06, 2009
What Common Ground Looks Like
I'm just back from talking with somewhere between 400 and 500 parents in Hamilton, Ontario, about my latest book What Every 21st Century Parent Needs to Know and how to help their young people make healthy, moral, ethical sexual decisions.
The event was sponsored by the Sexual Health Network, a coalition of organizations chaired by the director of programs for the Catholic diocese of Hamilton, and includes members of the public health program, the schools and abstinence-only groups. They've joined together for a "Worth the Wait" program, encouraging high school age teens to delay getting involved in sexual activity.
I spoke for over an hour and answered questions for 45 minutes. I talked about why it is important for parents to give their teens their own family values about when it might be appropriate to have mature sexual behaviors of any kind; I talked about my CUHMP (the five criteria for a moral sexual relationship and the three variables that determine them); and I talked about the need to give young people "mixed messages" about sexual behaviors just like we do on drinking: in essence, we don't want you to and if you do, we want you to protect your life and future. I encouraged parents to think about what they really mean when they ask their teens to abstain (from what? until when?) and to be explicit in communicating with them.
The other "A" word never came up...it would have if someone had asked me how to approach a teen who tells you that she is pregnant, but my message was PREVENTION and PARENTING, and because my emphasis is on helping parents give THEIR (not MY) values to their children and teens, it was well received.
Dinner with the woman from the Catholic diocese was a balm for me after these past few days of people trying to paint me into a corner. There IS common ground on reducing teenage pregnancies and teenage sexual behaviors -- just as there IS common ground on supporting low income women who choose to have (more) children and not have social, medical or economic barriers to doing so.
Based on the one-on-one conversations I had with people after the talk tonight, I'm confident that I helped a lot of people think about how they might be more effective parents, especially around the areas of sex, alcohol and drugs. Despite that it's now going on 15 hours since I left home, it also helped me.
The event was sponsored by the Sexual Health Network, a coalition of organizations chaired by the director of programs for the Catholic diocese of Hamilton, and includes members of the public health program, the schools and abstinence-only groups. They've joined together for a "Worth the Wait" program, encouraging high school age teens to delay getting involved in sexual activity.
I spoke for over an hour and answered questions for 45 minutes. I talked about why it is important for parents to give their teens their own family values about when it might be appropriate to have mature sexual behaviors of any kind; I talked about my CUHMP (the five criteria for a moral sexual relationship and the three variables that determine them); and I talked about the need to give young people "mixed messages" about sexual behaviors just like we do on drinking: in essence, we don't want you to and if you do, we want you to protect your life and future. I encouraged parents to think about what they really mean when they ask their teens to abstain (from what? until when?) and to be explicit in communicating with them.
The other "A" word never came up...it would have if someone had asked me how to approach a teen who tells you that she is pregnant, but my message was PREVENTION and PARENTING, and because my emphasis is on helping parents give THEIR (not MY) values to their children and teens, it was well received.
Dinner with the woman from the Catholic diocese was a balm for me after these past few days of people trying to paint me into a corner. There IS common ground on reducing teenage pregnancies and teenage sexual behaviors -- just as there IS common ground on supporting low income women who choose to have (more) children and not have social, medical or economic barriers to doing so.
Based on the one-on-one conversations I had with people after the talk tonight, I'm confident that I helped a lot of people think about how they might be more effective parents, especially around the areas of sex, alcohol and drugs. Despite that it's now going on 15 hours since I left home, it also helped me.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Talk -- and Talk Often
A new study by the Rand Corporation reported in the March issue of the Journal of Pediatrics found that the more 10 - 15 year olds talked with their parents about sexuality topics, the closer they felt to their parents.
Well, duh, as some teenagers would say.
The authors used the same title for their study as my 2001 book for parents, "Beyond the Big Talk." My publisher tells me that you can't copyright book title names.
Other previously published research has demonstrated that when families talk openly and honestly about sexuality and their family values, and that when teens feel close to their parents, those teens are more likely to delay getting involved with sex. This new study quantifies that this should be an ongoing part of family discussions, something that sexuality educators have known for a very long time.
After all, why would sexuality be different than other important parts of life? I've never had someone ask me what age they should introduce their religion or their faith beliefs to their child. We seem to just know that even the smallest child can be introduced to our family's faith rituals or receive simple answers to their questions about life, death, and God. We do it with good eating, exercise, safety, family responsibilities -- age appropriate, little by little, giving our family values.
Sexuality should be no different.
Well, duh, as some teenagers would say.
The authors used the same title for their study as my 2001 book for parents, "Beyond the Big Talk." My publisher tells me that you can't copyright book title names.
Other previously published research has demonstrated that when families talk openly and honestly about sexuality and their family values, and that when teens feel close to their parents, those teens are more likely to delay getting involved with sex. This new study quantifies that this should be an ongoing part of family discussions, something that sexuality educators have known for a very long time.
After all, why would sexuality be different than other important parts of life? I've never had someone ask me what age they should introduce their religion or their faith beliefs to their child. We seem to just know that even the smallest child can be introduced to our family's faith rituals or receive simple answers to their questions about life, death, and God. We do it with good eating, exercise, safety, family responsibilities -- age appropriate, little by little, giving our family values.
Sexuality should be no different.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Cancelled in Connecticut
I was supposed to speak to parents next week in a nearby town on how parents can educate their children and teenagers about sexuality in their own homes.
The school superintendent cancelled the talk as too controversial, after as I understand it, receiving some concerned calls. Part of the issue that was raised was the flyer that was to be sent home to parents contained the word "sexuality", and the fear was that some parents might now want that word coming into their home.
Really. I wonder what those parents do about television, magazines, radio, newspapers...and oh yes, those ubiquitous Victoria Secret Catalogs.
I've only had events cancelled two other times in my 25 years as a public speaker: once by a group in the deep south who had not done their homework on my positions on abortion and GLBT issues and once because of an unrelated community controversy that meant the timing wasn't right for a visit.
Talks for parents, whether at schools or religious institutions, are probably the least controversial thing I do. My talks, like my books for parents, encourage parents to give their own values about sexuality to their own children. And they are based in the research that shows that when parents talk to their children openly and honestly about their values and about sexuality, their children are more likely to delay sexual intercourse and more likely to protect themselves if they do have sex.
It is hard to believe that in 2008 in Connecticut talking to parents about talking to their own children about sex would be seen as too controversial and risky.
The point is -- the point always is -- that our children and teens are bombarded with sexual messages that we can't control, whether or not there is sexuality education in the schools. As I learned a long time ago, the question is never whether young people receive sex information or not -- it's only whether it comes from trained teachers, trained religious leaders, and empowered parents or whether it comes from the media, their friends, or the street.
I'm sorry that this town chose the latter.
The school superintendent cancelled the talk as too controversial, after as I understand it, receiving some concerned calls. Part of the issue that was raised was the flyer that was to be sent home to parents contained the word "sexuality", and the fear was that some parents might now want that word coming into their home.
Really. I wonder what those parents do about television, magazines, radio, newspapers...and oh yes, those ubiquitous Victoria Secret Catalogs.
I've only had events cancelled two other times in my 25 years as a public speaker: once by a group in the deep south who had not done their homework on my positions on abortion and GLBT issues and once because of an unrelated community controversy that meant the timing wasn't right for a visit.
Talks for parents, whether at schools or religious institutions, are probably the least controversial thing I do. My talks, like my books for parents, encourage parents to give their own values about sexuality to their own children. And they are based in the research that shows that when parents talk to their children openly and honestly about their values and about sexuality, their children are more likely to delay sexual intercourse and more likely to protect themselves if they do have sex.
It is hard to believe that in 2008 in Connecticut talking to parents about talking to their own children about sex would be seen as too controversial and risky.
The point is -- the point always is -- that our children and teens are bombarded with sexual messages that we can't control, whether or not there is sexuality education in the schools. As I learned a long time ago, the question is never whether young people receive sex information or not -- it's only whether it comes from trained teachers, trained religious leaders, and empowered parents or whether it comes from the media, their friends, or the street.
I'm sorry that this town chose the latter.
Monday, November 12, 2007
A new twist on parent/child communication about sex
Court TV caught up with me late Friday to ask what I thought about a court case where a mother pleaded guilty for talking about sex with her 11 and 15 year old.
According to the reporter, the mom answered her son's question about oral sex with detailed information about her own sexual history and showed them one of her sex toys. Her 11 year old complained about it to a counselor, and she was arrested.
Court TV wanted to know what I thought and if I thought it would send a chilling message to parents about talking to children about sex.
Now, I don't know much more about this case then what I've told you here, but it sounds more like unwise parenting practice than it does a crime. (It is possible this was part of a pattern of abusive behaviors; I just don't know that.) I don't think it's a good idea ever for parents to share their personal sexual practices with their children, even when they ask things like "Mom, do you and Dad ever...?" And it is of course both immoral and illegal to expose your children to sexually explicit materials and behaviors.
But, I don't think the state should get involved in monitoring parent child communication. How often I hear parents saying hateful or mean things to their children -- "stop being so stupid", "if you don't stop that right now, I'm going to smack you" come to mind. Labeling your child instead of labeling their behaviors. Or how about those parents who teach their children to hate and despise people who are different than their are? Surely those do more damage in the long run than providing too much information about sex.
What do you think? Should showing teenage children a personally used vibrator be a crime? Unwise for sure, but criminal?
According to the reporter, the mom answered her son's question about oral sex with detailed information about her own sexual history and showed them one of her sex toys. Her 11 year old complained about it to a counselor, and she was arrested.
Court TV wanted to know what I thought and if I thought it would send a chilling message to parents about talking to children about sex.
Now, I don't know much more about this case then what I've told you here, but it sounds more like unwise parenting practice than it does a crime. (It is possible this was part of a pattern of abusive behaviors; I just don't know that.) I don't think it's a good idea ever for parents to share their personal sexual practices with their children, even when they ask things like "Mom, do you and Dad ever...?" And it is of course both immoral and illegal to expose your children to sexually explicit materials and behaviors.
But, I don't think the state should get involved in monitoring parent child communication. How often I hear parents saying hateful or mean things to their children -- "stop being so stupid", "if you don't stop that right now, I'm going to smack you" come to mind. Labeling your child instead of labeling their behaviors. Or how about those parents who teach their children to hate and despise people who are different than their are? Surely those do more damage in the long run than providing too much information about sex.
What do you think? Should showing teenage children a personally used vibrator be a crime? Unwise for sure, but criminal?
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