The Kinsey Institute released a fascinating study last week that showed that adults don't agree on what "sex" is.
95% of people said that penile-vaginal sex was "sex," but 11% said it wasn't sex if the man didn't have an orgasm, and 18% of men over 65 said it wasn't sex if a condom was used. (They don't appear to have asked whether it was sex if a womn didn't have an orgasm during intercourse.) Only 80% of respondents said that anal intercourse was sex, and only 70% said that oral sex was.
It's no wonder then that the teens I work with don't seem to know what "sex" is, either. They routinely tell me that oral sex isn't sex.
And I routinely tell them that I think it is. And that so is any kind of physically intimate behavior with a partner. In fact, I think it's sex if you've moved beyond any behavior you would comfortably do with someone else in a public setting.
The cultural belief that it's only sex if Part A goes into Part B is harmful on so many levels. It pressures teenagers to take risks that they may not be ready for. It leads some teens to engage in unprotected anal sex rather than lose their virginity. It devalues most sex between gay men and lesbians. It's why men with prostate problems or other medical conditions that lead to untreatable erectile dysfunction give up all sexual contact with their wives, because they can't do the "real thing." It makes sexual play goal-oriented, with one behavior privileged over others, rather than honoring all the ways partners can give and receive pleasure. It makes people who prefer other sexual activities feel they have to have intercourse anyway.
I could go on and on.
What would change if we adults think, practice and teach young people that sex is physical intimacy with a partner, designed to give and receive pleasure, and that it is the relationship that is important, not the specific acts?
Tell me what you think.
Showing posts with label adult sexuality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adult sexuality. Show all posts
Monday, March 15, 2010
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Governor Sanford Should Have Just Said NO: Sex Education for Politicians
I generally don't blog twice in one day, but Governor Sanford's admission that he was in Argentina having an affair instead of governing this week brought to mind a post that I wrote last year for Huffington Post called "Sex Education for Politicians." With a few minor updates, here's what it said.
Governor Sanford joins the long line of exposes of public figures' sex lives. Many have been heterosexual men who have potentially risked everything for a sexual encounter or thrill. Think Eliot Spitzer, Gary Hart, Marv Alpert, Bill Clinton, Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Bill Cosby, and Bill O'Reilly. Mr. O'Reilly and Mr. Cosby continue with their work; others have not been so lucky. It remains to be seen what will happen to South Carolina's governor.
But these men have either forgotten, or never learned, some basic rules for sexually healthy adults. So here they are:
Honor your commitments to your partner. A sexually healthy marriage is based on honesty and trust; only you and your spouse know what you have agreed to, but don't put her in the position of having to stand by you at a microphone while you confess to the entire world. Keep that picture in your head as you are considering your behaviors.
Understand that you can have a sexual feeling without acting on it -- without even telling anyone about it. Think about it -- if Bill Clinton had thought to himself, "Cute intern. Too young, too risky" and moved on, he would not have been impeached.
If your partner isn't interested in exploring a particular part of your eroticism with you, the safest thing is to explore it only in the confines of your mind. Nothing, really nothing, is ever private between two people. Someone always tells someone. And the less the other person has to lose, the more likely they are to tell more people. In fact, unless it's your life partner, only have sex with someone who has as much to lose as you do.
Sexually healthy adults discriminate between sexual behaviors that are life-enhancing -- for themselves and their partners -- and those that could be destructive, of themselves or their partner(s). If there's a chance that the behavior could cost you your partner, career, reputation, just say no. Visiting a sex club, a sex worker, having sex with an employee, taking time off from your job to go to a foreign country without telling your staff how to find you, soliciting someone in a public bathroom or park: chances are it's going to land you on the front page, and you'll lose your job. It's even worse if you've campaigned or worked against other people doing the same things.
Remember that a moral sexual relationship is consensual, nonexploitive, honest, mutually pleasurable and protected. Does the relationship meet those criteria? We don't know much about Governor Sanford, but it sure sounds like he hasn't been honest with his wife. If you can't answer yes to all five criteria, say no.
Always ask if the behavior is consistent with your values, expressed and internal. Let's start with South Carolina's more than $3 million dollar a year commitment to abstinence-only education, Governor, and your party's comments on marriage. Do those lessons only apply to others?
Of course, this ethic applies to all of us, not just people in political power. It's just that other people don't end up on the front page. Bottom line: don't have sexual relationships or engage in sexual behaviors that put your family, your career, and your future at risk. It's basic sex education that everyone needs.
Governor Sanford joins the long line of exposes of public figures' sex lives. Many have been heterosexual men who have potentially risked everything for a sexual encounter or thrill. Think Eliot Spitzer, Gary Hart, Marv Alpert, Bill Clinton, Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Bill Cosby, and Bill O'Reilly. Mr. O'Reilly and Mr. Cosby continue with their work; others have not been so lucky. It remains to be seen what will happen to South Carolina's governor.
But these men have either forgotten, or never learned, some basic rules for sexually healthy adults. So here they are:
Honor your commitments to your partner. A sexually healthy marriage is based on honesty and trust; only you and your spouse know what you have agreed to, but don't put her in the position of having to stand by you at a microphone while you confess to the entire world. Keep that picture in your head as you are considering your behaviors.
Understand that you can have a sexual feeling without acting on it -- without even telling anyone about it. Think about it -- if Bill Clinton had thought to himself, "Cute intern. Too young, too risky" and moved on, he would not have been impeached.
If your partner isn't interested in exploring a particular part of your eroticism with you, the safest thing is to explore it only in the confines of your mind. Nothing, really nothing, is ever private between two people. Someone always tells someone. And the less the other person has to lose, the more likely they are to tell more people. In fact, unless it's your life partner, only have sex with someone who has as much to lose as you do.
Sexually healthy adults discriminate between sexual behaviors that are life-enhancing -- for themselves and their partners -- and those that could be destructive, of themselves or their partner(s). If there's a chance that the behavior could cost you your partner, career, reputation, just say no. Visiting a sex club, a sex worker, having sex with an employee, taking time off from your job to go to a foreign country without telling your staff how to find you, soliciting someone in a public bathroom or park: chances are it's going to land you on the front page, and you'll lose your job. It's even worse if you've campaigned or worked against other people doing the same things.
Remember that a moral sexual relationship is consensual, nonexploitive, honest, mutually pleasurable and protected. Does the relationship meet those criteria? We don't know much about Governor Sanford, but it sure sounds like he hasn't been honest with his wife. If you can't answer yes to all five criteria, say no.
Always ask if the behavior is consistent with your values, expressed and internal. Let's start with South Carolina's more than $3 million dollar a year commitment to abstinence-only education, Governor, and your party's comments on marriage. Do those lessons only apply to others?
Of course, this ethic applies to all of us, not just people in political power. It's just that other people don't end up on the front page. Bottom line: don't have sexual relationships or engage in sexual behaviors that put your family, your career, and your future at risk. It's basic sex education that everyone needs.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Be fruitful and multiply also means go have sex!
I'm just back from a weekend at a lovely resort in Bermuda where I led a series of couple's workshops on love, intimacy and sex. I was there as a favor to a colleague who had arranged the workshops for the month of February but had to be elsewhere this particular weekend.
And what's so interesting to me is that although this was a completely secular workshop, religious influences on these couple's lives kept coming up, especially in the side conversations. Without violating anyone's confidentiality, let me just say that once again, I learned the powerful permission giving role that clergy can play in affirming that sexuality is part of God's blessing and how in even the most conservative religions, sexuality in marriage is to be enjoyed and celebrated. As I told one couple, God wants you to have great sex! I wish more clergy were giving that message!
While I was away, I found out that this blog won two first place awards in the UU blog contest and several second and third places. Thank you to all of you who voted for me -- and check out the other blog winners here. There are some great ones that may be new to you!
I'm off tomorrow to speak at a private school in upstate New York. More on Wednesday when I return. (My close friends and family are beginning to implore me to talk to my overdemanding boss who has taken too many speaking engagements this fall and spring...oh, that would be me.)
And what's so interesting to me is that although this was a completely secular workshop, religious influences on these couple's lives kept coming up, especially in the side conversations. Without violating anyone's confidentiality, let me just say that once again, I learned the powerful permission giving role that clergy can play in affirming that sexuality is part of God's blessing and how in even the most conservative religions, sexuality in marriage is to be enjoyed and celebrated. As I told one couple, God wants you to have great sex! I wish more clergy were giving that message!
While I was away, I found out that this blog won two first place awards in the UU blog contest and several second and third places. Thank you to all of you who voted for me -- and check out the other blog winners here. There are some great ones that may be new to you!
I'm off tomorrow to speak at a private school in upstate New York. More on Wednesday when I return. (My close friends and family are beginning to implore me to talk to my overdemanding boss who has taken too many speaking engagements this fall and spring...oh, that would be me.)
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Sex Education for Politicians...
And for the rest of us.
Several people have reminded me that this past twelve months of exposes of public figures sex lives have been going on a long time, and that many have been heterosexual men who have potentially risked everything for a sexual encounter or thrill. Think Gary Hart, Marv Alpert, Bill Clinton, James Baker, Bill Cosby, Bill O'Reilly...you get the picture.
So here are some basic pieces of sex education for adults.
Understand that you can have a sexual feeling without acting on it -- without even telling anyone about it. Think about it -- if Bill Clinton had thought to himself, "Cute Intern. Too Young, Too Risky" and moved on, he would not have been impeached.
Nothing, really nothing, is ever private between two people. Someone always tells someone. And the less the other person has to lose, the more likely they are to tell more people. In fact, unless it's your life partner, only have sex with someone who has as much to lose as you do.
Sexually healthy adults discriminate between sexual behaviors that are life enhancing -- for themselves and their partners - with those that could be destructive (of themselves or their partner(s). If there's a chance that the behavior could cost you your partner, career, reputation, say "thank you, that would have been lovely" and move on.
Stop and ask yourself is it consensual, nonexploitative, honest, mutually pleasurable and protected? One or two out of five is not enough.
Is the behavior consistent with your values, expressed and internal. If you're found out, can you be accused of hypocrisy? More importantly, can you live with yourself?
YOUR TURN. What would you add to this list?
Several people have reminded me that this past twelve months of exposes of public figures sex lives have been going on a long time, and that many have been heterosexual men who have potentially risked everything for a sexual encounter or thrill. Think Gary Hart, Marv Alpert, Bill Clinton, James Baker, Bill Cosby, Bill O'Reilly...you get the picture.
So here are some basic pieces of sex education for adults.
Understand that you can have a sexual feeling without acting on it -- without even telling anyone about it. Think about it -- if Bill Clinton had thought to himself, "Cute Intern. Too Young, Too Risky" and moved on, he would not have been impeached.
Nothing, really nothing, is ever private between two people. Someone always tells someone. And the less the other person has to lose, the more likely they are to tell more people. In fact, unless it's your life partner, only have sex with someone who has as much to lose as you do.
Sexually healthy adults discriminate between sexual behaviors that are life enhancing -- for themselves and their partners - with those that could be destructive (of themselves or their partner(s). If there's a chance that the behavior could cost you your partner, career, reputation, say "thank you, that would have been lovely" and move on.
Stop and ask yourself is it consensual, nonexploitative, honest, mutually pleasurable and protected? One or two out of five is not enough.
Is the behavior consistent with your values, expressed and internal. If you're found out, can you be accused of hypocrisy? More importantly, can you live with yourself?
YOUR TURN. What would you add to this list?
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