Would It Be Enough?

I love celebrating Passover. I love the big family gathering at my dad's home where we gather for the seder, tell the story, sing the songs, and eat the same food each year. I love our own somewhat quirky traditions and the history that we build together each year.

The Haggadah we use reminds us that we must tell the story of the Exodus as if we were there ourselves -- and that the struggle for liberation continues around the world. We sing a song called "Dayenu", it would have been enough, that says that each step towards liberation is enough.

It's hard for me not to rebel against its message. Partial victories are not enough. I've been working on sexual justice issues for more than 30 years now, and although we are farther on many, there is indeed so much work that remains to be done. Yes, abortion is now legal in the U.S., but inaccessible for many and still illegal in much of the world. Yes, women in the U.S. have greater equality than before, but the glass ceiling still very much exists in most industries, women still make less than men, violence against women is still epidemic, and the two largest denominations in the U.S. still don't ordain us. Yes, we've won the battle that sex education belongs in schools and faith communities, but the fights over content continue. Yes, a majority of Americans now support anti-employment discrimination for gays and lesbians (except in too many of the nation's religious communities) and some states recognize civil unions, but civil and religious marriage is denied most. And I could go on.

But, perhaps "dayenu" is to remind us that each of us as individuals can only accomplish so much, and that to paraphrase Henry James, "we will act as though what we do makes a difference." I'm also reminded of this quote by Reinhold Niebuhr:

Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime; therefore, we must be saved by hope. Nothing true or beautiful makes complete sense in any immediate context of history; therefore we must be saved by faith. Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore, we are saved by love.

Together, we are making a difference, even though it is not enough.

Dayenu.

P.S. This weekend, two religious leaders (from considerably diverse theological backgrounds) applauded the work of the Religious Institute on their blogs. I am so grateful to the Women's Caucus of the Church of the Brethren and this Unitarian Universalist minister for letting their readers know about our work. Dayenu.

Help Support Women in New Orleans

I'm sure I am supposed to be blogging about the Pope's visit, but I'm going to leave that to my Roman Catholic feminist friends. I am glad that the Pope finally spoke out against clergy sexual abuse (and that he didn't equate it with homosexuality), but really, couldn't he have said something sooner from the Vatican? I understand they do have a press operation there.

But, instead, I've been meaning all week to ask you to support the women of New Orleans. That's my mom, daughter, and I in beautiful scarves produced and sold by women from the ASHE Culture Arts Center. They are working through their art to reclaim a part of New Orleans.

They've designed a special scarf "The Ashe Scarf" to help them become self sustaining. For $25, you can have a beautiful scarf and support the women of New Oreans. Read more at http://www.ashecac.org/, 504 569 9070.

We Are Still So Far From Equality

I've been thinking a lot about the status of women in the United States this week.

After my raising the issue of the lack of women religious leaders selected as questioners at the Compassion Forum, a colleague emailed me that half of the Presidential Candidates were women, half of the CNN questioners were women, and the CEO and the Chair of the Board of Faith in Public Life were women. And he has a point -- although it still doesn't address why only one of the pre-selected religious leaders recognized to ask questions were women.

But, yes, there is change, and we can celebrate that.

Yet, the two largest religious denominations in the United States (the Roman Catholic Church and the Southern Baptist Association) do not ordain women clergy. As the Pope's visit is celebrated this week, there has been little analysis in the national press about the role of women in the Catholic church. Two of my colleagues, Catholic feminister author Angela Bonavoglia and Catholic theologian Mary Hunt do a far better job than I can about what's so wrong with these positions.

I also happened to watch a horrifying interviewing yesterday morning on the Today Show. Meredith Viera interviewed three identically dressed women in their twenties from the FDLS compound in Texas. It was like watching a scene from The Handmaiden's Tale or the Stepford Wives. They either looked drugged or brainwashed, as without expression, they struggled to respond to Viera's questions. I'm still trying to figure out what I think about all of their children being taken by the state, but I am certain that the safety and well being of girls who have reached puberty and are then forced to become second or third or fourth wives to older men is being compromised at a fundamental level. I also keep thinking that someone should be pointing out that the FLDS compound is as close to the actual Biblical depiction of marriage as we are likely to see.

And I've also just read the report from the Katrina Warriers Network on the disproportionate impact of Katrina on "Women and Girls in New Orleans and the Gulf Coast", released at the V-Day event. The needs to assure the safety and health of women and girls during such disasters -- and the failure to do so during Katrina -- are horrifying to read.

So to my correspondent, yes, there are indicators that on some levels, women are making strides. But, oh, do we still have a long way to go to attain women's equality.

Why Doesn't Compassion Include Women and GLBT Persons?

The Religious Institute's newsletter goes out tomorrow morning. I've just finished my editorial and wanted to share part of it with my blog readers. Our monthly e-newsletter is free; if you aren't receiving it and would like to, send an email to info@religiousinstitute.org and we will add you to the list.

Here's what I said:

I keep hearing Eve Ensler exhorting all of us there to “be braver, be bolder” to stop violence against women.

I couldn’t help but think of those words as I watched the so-called “Compassion Forum” sponsored by Faith in Public Life on CNN this past Sunday night. Although I support and indeed applaud Faith in Public Life for holding this discussion of faith and politics, compassion toward women and sexual minorities was largely missing. The discussed 'compassion issues" are intimately connected with racism, sexism, and homophobia.

One cannot adequately address poverty, health care, and the economic justice without acknowledging women's needs for reproductive health services. It is poor women who suffer most when contraception, emergency contraception, and abortion services are not readily available, both in the United States and around the world. Similarly, it is poor same-sex couples who are most affected by laws prohibiting the benefits of civil unions and marriage, and poor transgender persons who have no access to medical treatment. Yet, rather than asking the candidates about how they would reduce unplanned pregnancies, sexual exploitation, violence against women, discrimination against LGBT persons, and so on, the moderators asked about their favorite Bible stories and whether they think life begins at conception.

Senator Clinton apparently “forgot” that she has sponsored legislation on sex education and family planning services, never using those words at all; instead she repeated “abstinence” and “adoption” as how she would make abortions “rare.” Remarkably, only one woman religious leader was called on to ask a question; indeed, the majority of the religious leaders who had the opportunity to speak were white male Evangelical Christians. How did that happen in 2008? And neither the candidates nor the questioners took the opportunity to talk about compassion for the struggles of LGBT persons, even while the debate took place at Messiah College, a college that on its web site promotes such anti-gay organizations as Exodus, Homosexuals Anonymous, and the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality."

On April 7th, the Religious Institute sponsored an all-day colloquium for progressive religious leaders and leaders of sexual and reproductive health organizations to discuss how together we can raise a progressive voice on sexual justice during the coming election season. More than 30 leaders agreed that we must do more to assure that reproductive justice and justice for LGBT persons are not buried under calls for common ground. We count on their organizations speaking out each and every time these issues are ignored or dismissed. I hope and pray that you, too, will speak out for sexual justice in your faith community, in your state, and in national debates in the coming months. Together, we must amplify the voices of people of faith who support women’s moral agency, who support sexuality education and sexual and reproductive health services, who support full inclusion and marriage equality, and bring them into the public square.

To quote Eve Ensler, we must all be braver and bolder.

V Day New Orleans Day Two

Saturday was a whirlwind and I never did get back online.

Entering the SuperLove Super Dome, Saturday morning FELT different than it had on Friday morning. There was a sense of energy, connection, even welcome that had not been there the day before. It was as if it had been healed. Eve Ensler (left) said "it is nothing short of a vagina miracle."

Here's some of what stands out ---

*The rites of passage ceremony for tween and teen girls from New Orleans, speaking their truths and their demands for respect.

*The four lovely under 30 movie stars sharing the pressures they face to be thin and conform.

*Suzie Orman who gave the single best motivational talk I've ever heard, sharing her own story, and telling the women of New Orleans that they must own their destiny...and to leave relationships that are hurting them.

*Women from around the world sharing their stories of rape and violence, but also organizing and love.

*Young slam poets using their art and their voices to call us to action.

*Jane Fonda closing the day, reminding the listeners that patriarchy is the issue, not men -- that there needs to be support for feminist masculinity -- that the answer to patriarchy is real democracy -- and that Katrina was not a natural disaster, but a man-made one. (My favorite t-shirt in a tourist store said "Make Levees, Not War.")

I can't possible do justice to the Saturday night performance of the Vagina Monologues, including a new monologue written about Miss Pat from New Orleans. But how amazing that women filled the New Orleans arena, that each of the actors and the musicians donated their time and paid their own way, that there were women and men of every age, race, and orientation taking it in together, reclaiming the power of their bodies and their lives.

At the end, Eve Ensler asked every woman in the arena who had been raped, abused, sexually harassed, or tortured to stand up. Before she did, she shared her story of incest and abuse. I stood up. So did the woman standing next to me. We reached for each other. I'd guess one in three women in that teeming audience stood up. It was horrifying to see in uncountable numbers women who had been violated.

But it was also powerful beyond my words at the moment. And then we joined Faith Hill and Jennifer Hudson and Charmaine Neville in singing "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" together, thousands of voices joined to reclaim and heal and rejoice together -- and to promise each other that violence against women will end, must end.

Day 1 - V to the 10th

Back in February, I blogged from the NGTLF conference that it would be the Far Right's worst nightmare.

Actually, I think SuperLove, the V-Day take over of the Super Dome would surpass it.

I walked into the Superdome replaying the horrifying images of Katrina in my mind. It's impossible to use the restroom without REMEMBERING.

But, today women took the SuperDome back, filling it with feminist energy and love. It's late, but here are some of what I remember from today:

*Walking into the arena through a huge sculpture of a pink vagina.

*Native American women dancing to purify the space.

*Buddhist priest Joan Halifax gracing the stage and us.

*Beautiful women of every age, color, race, and orientation sharing together.

*A choir of girls who called us to our feet.

*Women from Iraq and Afghanistan, telling us that their lives were worse now than before, and begging us to tell our leaders that it is time for the US occupation to end.

*The debut of "Swimming Upstream", a play written by Eve Ensler and 16 Katrina warriers, that made Katrina oh so real.

And the gratitude, deep deep gratitude, in my heart to be there, be HERE, offering prayers and receiving God's grace.

More tomorrow.

V-Day to the 10th

I'll be traveling to New Orleans on Thursday to spend the weekend at the "V-Day to the 10th" celebration. I'll be meeting with women activists, supporting efforts to end violence against women, and listening to speeches and workshops, seeing Eve Ensler's new play on the women of Katrina, and attending a performance of the Vagina Monologues starring among others:

Salma Hayek, Oprah Winfrey, Faith Hill, Jane Fonda, Glenn Close, Ali Larter, Calpernia Addams, Rosario Dawson, Kerry Washington, Jennifer Beals, Didi Conn, Christine Lahti, Jennifer Hudson, Doris Roberts, Liz Mikel, and Charmaine Neville.

And I'm bringing my 22 year old daughter and my mother, so that three generations of women in our family can experience this together.

I offered my prayers and blessings to the extraordinary Eve Ensler on Wednesday. Hold all of the women and men who are attending this weekend for the women of the gulf in your hearts and prayers. I'll blog from New Orleans.

Answering Phone Surveys...

I've always wanted to be randomly selected by the Nielson Ratings to monitor my television use or by Gallop to be part of one of their surveys we are always reading about.



Last night, I was "chosen" to be part of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control 2007 survey on adult health. It took about 25 minutes on the phone with a very nice but very humorless interviewer.



I was asked lots of questions about my health status, a few on my opinions on smoking, a few on "the child under 18 living in my household." I was NOT asked any questions that related to sexuality, except if I had ever been HIV tested (I have), the date and year (I don't remember, he didn't like my answer of "early on in the epidemic"), and one question that listed only 4 risk factors for HIV/AIDS. I was not asked about my pregnancy status, constraceptive use, STI history, sexual behaviors, or sexual partners. I checked this morning at http://www.cdc.gov/ to read the actual questionnaires wondering if for some reason I had selected out of them -- no, this survey doesn't ask anything really about sexuality. (I know there is one survey that does, but it still seems very odd to me that it wasn't included at all.) I am happy though to report that when asked my marital status "partnered but not married was included" and I was asked neutrally the sex of the other adult in my household.



I'm basically a very healthy person, and as a former health educator, I am very committed to health promoting behaviors, so I found it easy to answer the questions on exercise (yes), smoking (no), average number of drinks a week (1 - 2), annual physical (yes), colonoscopy (yes). For some reason I'm still puzzling, I took a pound off my weight, and I'm pretty sure I underestimated my weekly television use. I have a new awareness of a desire to give a socially acceptably answer to certain questions, even on an anonymous survey. The only non-healthy response was "no, we don't have a carbon monoxide detector." (Do we need one in a house without a garage?)

Mostly though I felt fortunate and aware of my privilege when I finished. Yes, we have health, dental, and vision insurance. No, fees have not kept me from obtaining health care for myself or my son. No, I don't have asthma, diabetes, heart disease, cancer, or strokes. Neither do my parents (who are both alive and healthy.) I feel blessed and grateful for all of those, and acutely aware that they are not true for too many others.

So, Gallup and Nielson, I'm ready. (And I'll even admit to watching about 2 -3 hours of television most days.)

And The Review Said...

Publisher's Weekly just published it's review of my new book,
What Every 21st Century Parent Needs to Know.

Here's what they said, and the link to the actual column.


http://www.publishersweekly.com/article/CA6547683.html?industryid=47159


Parenting What Every 21st-Century Parent Needs to Know: Facing Today's Challenges with Wisdom and Heart Debra W. Haffner. Newmarket, $24.95 (240p) ISBN 978-1-55704-787-8
Haffner (From Diapers to Dating), an ordained Unitarian minister, isn't afraid to tackle the big questions, including drinking, drugs and teen sex. But while Haffner “tells it like it is,” she also presents the research and statistics to prove that many of parents' worst fears are unfounded. Instead of a media-hyped view of the challenges parents face in the 21st century, Haffner concludes that most kids are on the right track; in fact, she claims that they are “smart, committed, and engaged in their families and communities,” and that they are making better choices about health and related issues than many of their parents did at the same age. The author stresses that parenting style can have a significant impact on whether kids go down undesirable roads. Utilizing what she calls the “Affirming Parent” style, she offers a number of viable solutions to common problems, ranging from Internet use to overscheduling. Haffner covers a great deal of ground in this compact book; readers will appreciate her just-the-facts-please approach as well as her tendency to interpret the stats from the bright side. (May)

Nice, right? It's exciting to get this type of review. If you are a parent or a grandparent, or someone who works with youth professionally, I hope you'll buy the book. If you do it at the link on the right side of the blog, a portion of the proceeds will support the Religious Institute. You can read excerpts at www.21stcenturyparent.com

And if you do read it, tell me what you think. After all, it's the opinions of parents that matter to me the most.

40 Years After Martin Luther King

It seems fitting to pause for a few moments this morning to think about the life and minister of Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.

My colleagues at the Shalom Center sent around the text of King's April 4, 1967 speech on Vietnam. It's worth reading in its entirety, not just for its historical significance, but what it should say to us today.

Here's what King said to religious leaders:

Some of us who have already begun to break the silence of the night have found that the calling to speak is often a vocation of agony, but we must speak. We must speak with all the humility that is appropriate to our limited vision, but we must speak. And we must rejoice as well, for surely this is the first time in our nation's history that a significant number of its religious leaders have chosen to move beyond the prophesying of smooth patriotism to the high grounds of a firm dissent based upon the mandates of conscience and the reading of history. Perhaps a new spirit is rising among us. If it is, let us trace its movement well and pray that our own inner being may be sensitive to its guidance, for we are deeply in need of a new way beyond the darkness that seems so close around us.

He could be talking about Iraq. He could also be talking about the struggles for full inclusion of LGBT persons or women's rights or poor people today.

I quote King in most of my speeches and sermons (and probably a fair number of blog posts as well!) He said, "injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere." Let us be reminded today that we must stand on the side of justice for all.

Premature Obituaries...

Over at Religious Dispatches, there are two blog entries today that look at the question of "Is the Religious Right dead?"

Having just finished reading both, I find my pulse racing, as sexual justice issues are once again pushed to the side, as problems to be solved to create an evangelical center rather than moral justice issues at the center of millions of people's lives. Laura Olson in her blog says that progressive religious voices "are afire with discussion of a different kind of marriage between religion and politics that emphasizes peace and justice issues instead of socio-moral concerns." I think she means the issues I care about: women, sexuality education, reproductive health and reproductive justice, full inclusion of LGBT persons.

My colleague Robby Jones quotes Dr. David Gushee at a meeting this week of Third Way:

"Abortion more than any other issue poses a problem in gaining the vote of centrist evangelicals. If a Democratic presidential candidate proposed a serious demand-side plan to reduce abortion by half over the next eight years, and invested real political capital in the effort, it would make a significant difference for centrist evangelicals.”

But that would mean supporting comprehensive sexuality education, defunding ineffective abstinence only education program, and providing family planning service, goals that many of the people who don't believe in women's right to make her own moral decisions about abortion don't support.

Robby Jones provides interesting statistics on how progressive evangelicals and evangelicals on the right differ dramatically on sexual orientation, abortion, and stem cell research. He writes:

A majority of left/center evangelicals support stem cell research, legalized abortion, and access to the morning after pill without a prescription. There is a remarkable 50-point gap between left/center and right Evangelicals on each of these issues. Importantly, more than 8 in 10 in the evangelical left/center want to find middle ground on abortion laws, while 6 in 10 in the evangelical right think there’s no room for compromise on abortion.

On gay and lesbian issues, while only a quarter of the left/center evangelicals support allowing gays and lesbians to legally marry, a near majority (49 percent) support allowing gay and lesbian couples to enter into legal agreements with each other that would give them many of the same rights as married couples, compared to only 11 percent of the evangelical right.

Jones concludes:

"...there is indeed a new evangelical center emerging. .. This new movement is no less evangelical than the right. But it promises to be less strident, less partisan, and less defensive; it also promises to be more creative and more willing to follow conclusions into unconventional places to work for the common good... the evangelical left/center—half of evangelicals and 13 percent of voters—has the real potential to partner with political progressives on a range of issues going forward in ways that defy the conventional wisdom of “the era of the Religious Right.”

Just don't expect that reproductive health and justice and full inclusion for LGBT persons, including marriage equality, are going to be among those issues. The extreme Religious Right may be losing some of its momentum, but for those of us who support sexual justice, it's not time to let down our guard.

Sad Story From Texas

Did you hear or read this news story late last night about the 14 year old middle school student who delivered a stillborn baby on an airplane and left it in the bathroom? She has told police that she didn't know she was pregnant?

Oh, that that was the beginning of an April Fool's joke.

How is it possible in today's world that a 14 year old could be pregnant and not know? How is it possible that the adults around didn't notice anything different about her?

Unfortunately, the possible answers seem clear. I'm willing to bet that she had had no sexuality education -- at her school, at her faith community, or much in her home. I'm willing to bet that her parents didn't talk with her about sexual decision making and that she had hidden the sexual relationship with the baby's father. Based on the research about pregnancies in girls 14 and younger, I'm guessing that the father was much older, that they didn't use contraception, and that she didn't have many adults in her life that she could turn to for help and assistance.

And I am pretty certain she woke up this morning scared and confused...and feeling alone.

My heart goes out to this young woman -- and suggests that rather than concentrate on how to penalize her, the folks in Houston examine how they failed her...and other young people. And that those of us in other places ask ourselves are we doing all we can to educate young people and provide support to them so these tragedies don't happen.

Could You Be That 26%?

We don't hear too much about AIDS these days, but a new fact sheet from the Kaiser Family Fund, reminded me this weekend that we need to continue to be talking about it, preaching about it, educating people about it.

1.2 million Americans are living with HIV disease, and more than 440,000 have AIDS. 40,000 people become infected with the disease each year, a true tragedy for a disease that is nearly if not totally 100% preventable. And 26% of the people with HIV don't know that they have it.

Which means that anyone who has sex with that person may also be at risk. Which means that there needs to be much better education about prevention and that everyone should be protecting themselves -- and getting tested.

Last year, the Religious Institute, with support from PBS, developed a guide for congregations on addressing HIV/AIDS which goes along with a copy of a DVD of their program, "The Age of AIDS." Best of all, it's free to clergy and congregations. Let us know if you would like one.

One More Piece of Evidence - Abstinence Only Education Doesn't Work

A new study in the Journal of Adolescent Health is making headlines this week. A nationally representative sample of adolescents, which looked at young people who had taken comprehensive sex education, those who had taken abstinence only education, and those who had no sex education at all, found:


Adolescents receiving comprehensive sex education had a substantially lower risk of teenage pregnancy than those receiving abstinence-only or no sex education.

Abstinence-only education had no impact on reducing teen pregnancy, delaying sexual initiation, or reducing STIs.

Teaching about contraception was not associated with increased risk of sexual activity or sexually transmitted diseases.

That disadvantaged youth are less likely to have received formal sex education of any kind.

In short, as the lead researcher, Patricia Kohler, stated “It is not harmful to teach teens about birth control in addition to abstinence.”

The study examined a 2002 federal survey has found that heterosexual teenagers ages 15 to 19 who received comprehensive sex education were about half as likely to report pregnancies as teens who received abstinence-only sex education or no sex education....researchers found teens receiving comprehensive sex education were 60% less likely to report pregnancies than teens receiving no sex education and 50% less likely to report a pregnancy than teens receiving abstinence-only education.

(Summary from our colleagues at Advocates for Youth.)

How many nails in the coffin are needed before Congress stops funding ineffective even dangerous abstinence only programs and BEGINS funding programs that provide young people the information about responsible sexual decision making (including sexual limit setting, abstinence, contraception, and condoms) they need?

How Could She Have Said That?

I just saw the video where Hilary Clinton says that she wouldn't have gone to a church where Rev. Wright was the pastor.

When I saw the headline on YahooNews, I didn't believe it until I watched it myself.

As a minister and a person of faith, I'm horrified. Surely, Senator Clinton hasn't always agreed with the ministers of the church she has attended. (Although let the frenzy begin -- surely some newsperson or Republican operative or Right Wing organization is carefully combing for extreme sermons from HER pastors.) Surely Senator Clinton knows about the free pulpit and the free pew.

Diverse religious leaders need to stand together and say that attacking anyone's faith or faith communities is wrong. Period. It's not about which candidate you support -- it's about supporting everyone's right to worship as they choose with the religious leader that they choose, even when they sometimes disagree.

Yes, Balance is Possible

The Sunday New York Times business section had a piece this week that started, "Is it possible to live a balanced life, devoting enough time to both family and career?" They quote this article in a March Women's Day magazine, answering the question, "Not a chance."

It seems like every so often the national press puts out this type of story that essentially says that feminism sold women a myth that they could have it all. Perhaps I am over-sensitive to these warnings to the next generation of women as the mother of a 22-year-old who is just starting out on her own. Or perhaps it is because I feel blessed by both my now three decades long career and my two wonderful children. And although of course there are days when I feel off balance or torn between competing priorities, overall, my life is not only balanced but happy and deeply satisfying.

And when I think about the women I know and love most of us feel that way as well. Yes, of course, we make choices. I've never run a really large organization, I haven't run for public office. Don't get my children started on my lack of cooking skills and I don't know where our iron or vacuum cleaner even are. But, my husband and I just celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary, and we sit down almost every night for family dinner, say grace, and share our very varied days.

I can give a reporter dozens of names of women who lead balanced lives. Anybody want to write an article on us?

An Easter Parable

I had my own experience with resurrection during my chaplaincy on the oncology floor. One Thursday, I went to visit an elderly man, Mr. F., who was suffering with advanced cancer. I introduced myself as the chaplain and asked him if he wanted to talk. He told me NO! that he was an atheist and that he had nothing to say to me. I told him that I was a Unitarian Universalist and that a lot of us are atheists – and asked him if he just want someone to talk to…I ended up staying for more than an hour, listening to the long story of his life, his joys and his sorrows, how he had once loved belonging to a church but gave it up over a disagreement with something that had happened there, how he missed it sometimes, how he was no longer in touch with his ex-wife or their son, how he really had only one person in the world who still cared about him.

When he became tired, I knew better than to ask him to pray with me; but I said a silent prayer as I left him, that he would rest more easily and know that someone cared. He said I could come back. I looked forward to hearing more about his life, for more time to offer him human connection and to be blessed by his life stories. The next day he was sleeping when I came by…and then it was my weekend off. He died that Sunday alone.


Three days later, one of the nurses told me there was a note for me on the staff bulletin board. I picked it up – it was a carefully folded piece of plain paper. On the outside it simply said, “For Deborah Haffner.” On the inside fold, in shaky handwriting, it said, “Oh Lord, I believe. Help throw my unbelief.” It was signed Fred F.


It was a note from a dead person. Where it had been those three days was and is a complete mystery. My co-chaplain, a Greek Orthodox priest, said to me, “How wonderful Debra, you brought him back to his faith.”

I didn’t find that comforting or think it was that simple. Where had the note been for three days, hidden in a tomb? What had he wanted to say to me? My colleague told me that the verse was from the Book of Mark. A father brings his child who is tormented to Jesus to be healed; Jesus tells him “all things can be done for the one who believes.” The man answers, desperate I think for the healing, willing to say anything to get Jesus’ help for his child: “I believe. Help my unbelief.”

I think it was Mr. F’s way of reaching back to the faith he loved hours before his death, hoping that his faith was greater than his atheism in his last hours. But, I think in his own way, he was also saying thank you, thank you for the human connection that he so needed before he died. That note hangs in my office today, as a reminder of how faith is lived, one person, one moment, one day at a time.


And that’s ultimately what I think Easter is really about. We all have the possibility of resurrection, of rebirth. We can move from struggle to hope, from despair to rebirth, from crucifixion to resurrection. We can roll away our rocks, and find ourselves anew. We can and we must, for we have no other way to create the life that is waiting for us to live, despite the struggles, despite the suffering.

Mr. F. reminds me to this day that we must be grateful, grateful down to our bones, for the gift of THIS day -- to believe against all odds, that we too will rise again.


And so may it be.

Freedom of the Pulpit

It was a big week in the world not to be blogging -- the 5th anniversary of the Iraq war, Senator Obama's stunning speech on race in America, the revelations by the new Governor of New York and his wife's infidelities, and the roller coaster ride on Wall Street.

And the endless tape loop of the Reverend Jeremiah Wright on the right wing talk shows, caricaturizing a long term successful ministry into a few soundbites.

I kept thinking about our shared congregational polity with the UCC that gives ministers the right to a free pulpit -- the right to express ourselves without limitation of dogma or institutional boundaries. I learned in divinity school that we are to "comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable" when we are in the pulpit. It has never once occurred to me that I have to agree with my minister on everything he says or that anyone who comes to my services has to agree with me on anything or everything. Indeed in my tradition, we expect as many "I really disagreed with you today" as "good sermon, Reverend."

But, we also have freedom on the pew. We encourage our congregants to take what they like, to leave the rest, to only believe our truths as it reflects their own. In all the reports on Reverend Wright, I haven't seen a news report that remembers to tell us that Trinity UCC has more than 6000 members and is the largest church in the UCC.

That's because these attacks on the Reverend Wright aren't really about him or his church -- they are about trying to discredit Senator Obama. In this "GOTCHA 24/7 news cycle" Governor Paterson felt he needed to tell us about the most private of issues in a marriage before the press could do a story on it, and every association that a candidate has is available for dissection and ridicule.

If you want to know more about the Reverend Wright and the Trinity UCC, go here. And a hurrah to Senator Obama for saying what all of us in free churches know -- that our ministers have the right to speak their hearts and minds from the pulpit and the people in the pews have the right to love them even when we disagree.

Check out my new website!

I'm actually on vacation for this week, including a vacation from blogging, but I just learned that the website for my new book is now live and I wanted to share it with my regular readers.

Check out http://www.21stcenturyparent.com/content/index.asp

You can read excerpts from "What Every 21st Century Parent Needs to Know" there, as well as excerpts from my other two books for parents. And if you purchase the book through the link on the site to Amazon.com some of the proceeds will go to support my organization, the Religious Institute on Sexual Morality, Justice, and Healing.

Have a good week. I'll be back on Friday.

Religious Leaders To Congressional Staff: Support Sex Education

I wish you could have been there.

On March 13, 2008, the Religious Institute on Sexual Morality, Justice, and Healing, along with our co-sponsors, the Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice (RCRC) and the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS), held a congressional briefing in the U.S. House of Representatives on religious support for sexuality education. The briefing was sponsored by Representatives Barbara Lee and Christopher Shays, who are the lead Congressional sponsors of the Responsible Education About Life Act.

I was joined by Reverend Steve Clapp of the Christian Community, Rev Consuelo Donahue of Bethany Hospice, Rev. Dr. Janet Parker of Rock Spring Congregational United Church of Christ, Rev. Carlton Veazey of RCRC, Rabbi Laura Novak Winer of the Union for Reform Judaism, and Jennifer Heitel Yakush of SIECUS. We represented ordained clergy from seven different faith traditions: Church of the Brethren, Reform Judaism, National Baptist Convention of the USA, Presbyterian (USA), United Methodist, United Church of Christ, and Unitarian Universalist.

Our traditions are different, but our message all affirmed that religious institutions support and provide comprehensive sexuality education out of our deep commitment to our theology, to our sacred texts, and to the belief that we are called to serve the most vulnerable, the most marginalized.

As I told the more than sixty people in attendance, for those of us from Jewish and Christian traditions, Scripture calls us to truth telling. We are to teach that “there is a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing”, but we also are required to give young people accurate and honest information so that they can make moral and healthy decisions about relationships for themselves now and in the future. As our Open Letter to Religious Leaders on Sexuality Education states, “education that respects and empowers young people has more integrity than education that withholds information, gives misinformation, and instills fear, guilt, and shame.”

I ended my testimony, “It is time – it is way past time – for the federal government to support sexuality education programs for youth and to cease funding programs that are not only ineffective but may put our children and teenagers at risk – for disease, for short changed futures, for denial of the gift of their sexuality. It is time to provide all our young people with accurate education that respects the diversity of values in a community. It is indeed a time to speak and a time to act. May our religious voices help you understand that it is also the only moral response.”

The New Seven Deadly Sins

Earlier this week, a Vatican representative announced a new list of the seven mortal sins for the 21st century. As I understand it a mortal sin without accompanying confession is the route to hell. I asked my colleague Dr. Kate Ott, Associate Director of the Religious Institute and a Roman Catholic theologian, to share her thoughts on the new list:

After reading the list of new mortal sins, I wanted to applaud the Catholic Church, of which I am a laywoman and trained academic moral theologian. For the first time in years, there seems to be a focus on the systemic nature of sin. And then, I read the finer details. Archbishop Gianfranco Girotti named these at the close of a week long Vatican conference on confession. Why create a new list of mortal sins that recognize the scope of globalization and systemic oppression, all in an effort to revitalize individual confession?

A mortal sin “is sin whose object is grave matter and which is also committed with full knowledge and deliberate consent” (Catechism, #1857, © 1994). But “inflicting poverty” is not done by one person, but global capitalism in which we all participate. “Environmental pollution” is the result of individual choices, but also fixed social systems of waste disposal, water treatment, and energy distribution. The confession booth is either going to be overflowing . . . or people will soon exempt themselves from these sins. Who can claim full knowledge and consent for global markets? I’m feeling sloth creeping into our psyche.

The traditional seven deadly (or mortal) sins – pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed, and sloth – already seem to cover the modern evils. Isn’t gluttony, greed, maybe even pride and envy at the foundation of “accumulating excessive wealth.” It is the intention behind the sin that classifies it as mortal. Of course, Girotti does not fail to mention abortion and pedophilia as two of the greatest sins of our time. I assume he puts those under “violation of fundamental rights of human nature.” Somehow, the social nature of sin is lost on these remarks. Why not note patriarchy and the devaluing of women’s reproductive rights, instead of abortion? And why not own up to the gravity of pedophilia as a sin of power and pride motivating years of shuffling priests instead of holding them accountable?

I want to place my vote for keeping the age old sins. Most of the new sins are a result of the original list. Shaming folks into confession because they drive their cars too much, won’t result in a reversal of global warming. But people understanding how greed affects their daily choices could result in real conversion on multiple levels. Penance is intended to bring about a conversion of heart through God’s grace . . . Recognizing the fundamental rights of every human being, especially women around the world, means we take environmental, racial, economic, sexual, and reproductive justice seriously – in their systemic entirety.

More thoughts on Spitzer

See my blog on today's Huffinton Post:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rev-debra-haffner/sex-education-for-politic_b_90957.html

Smart Men, Foolish Choices

I don't want anyone to think I just care about Republican politicans like David Vitter, Larry Craig, and Mark Foley, making really bad decisions about their sexuality.

As you no doubt know, New York Democratic governor Eliot Spitzer was found on a federal wiretap sting to be arranging for meetings with prostitutes at Washington, D.C. hotels.

WHAT WAS HE THINKING?

How many politicians ending up on the front pages will it take before men in power understand that they should be making healthy decisions about their sexuality...that a sexually healthy adult understands the difference between a sexual relationship that is life enhancing and one that could hurt oneself or others? One more time: a moral ethical sexual relationship is consensual, non exploitative, honest, mutually pleasurable and protected. Sex for money surely violates a few of these.

Governor Spitzer, who had previously investigated prostitution rings, surely knew the risks he was taking. It is hard to imagine what he was thinking.

Oh, right, he wasn't.

Where's the B and the T in LGBT?

This weekend, I attended a meeting of my church's Rainbow Task Force, our congregation's welcoming committee.

Our church officially became a welcoming congregation more than fifteen years ago. We have significant numbers of gay men and lesbians in the congregation, and we have celebrated many civil unions. Our policies, our membership materials, and our web site all affirm our welcome to LGBT persons.

But like most of the congregations I work with we fall far short on the B and the T of LGBT. We are just taking baby steps to look at how we can be welcoming of transgender persons; a workshop I led in the fall on transgender has started to focus attention.

When I suggested at this meeting that we also need to become more welcoming of people who are bisexual, I was taken aback by some of the comments. Several people mentioned bisexuals as "promiscuous", confusing having attractions to people of both sexes with wanting to have sex with multiple partners. (I thought to myself, but didn't mention Kinsey's definition of promiscuous: anyone who is having more sex than you are.) Others mentioned that bisexuals can choose to live as heterosexual and therefore don't have the same issues as gays and lesbians. Still someone else wondered whether we should be encouraging people to label themselves at all.

But naming is so important -- as is breaking the silence about the range of sexual orientations and gender identities. I think it's fair to assume that there are signficant numbers of people in my home congregation (and in your's) who are bisexual, who have questions about their erotic attractions and interests, and who need our support.

It's time to stop just saying saying LGBT, and pay attention to what those letters mean.

What Happened to Truth Telling?

I cut my teeth in sexuality education as a volunteer for Planned Parenthood at a teen clinic in 1976. From 1980 to 1984, I was the director of counseling, education, and community affairs for Planned Parenthood of Metropolitan Washington. It was a wonderful job for a newly graduated M.P.H., and I have always been grateful to its then Executive Director Mary Janney for taking a chance on a young but very eager newly minited public health professional.

I have been a strong supporter and believer in Planned Parenthood and its mission ever since, and at the Religious Institute, we are proud of our association with its Clergy Advisory Board.

That's why I felt a little sick to my stomach when I read this latest piece of hatred aimed at Planned Parenthood, reprinted by my colleagues at People for the American Way. A so-called Christian group is spreading hateful mistruths about Barak Obama and his association with Planned Parenthood's alleged racist mission.

I can't speak for what was true at Planned Parenthood's beginning in the 1930's, but as someone who has proudly been associated with the organization my entire career, I can absolutely say that this is a vicious, distorted, and blatantly false description today.

And it needs to be exposed for being just that. Shame on Christian News Service for passing on these lies.

Talk -- and Talk Often

A new study by the Rand Corporation reported in the March issue of the Journal of Pediatrics found that the more 10 - 15 year olds talked with their parents about sexuality topics, the closer they felt to their parents.

Well, duh, as some teenagers would say.

The authors used the same title for their study as my 2001 book for parents, "Beyond the Big Talk." My publisher tells me that you can't copyright book title names.

Other previously published research has demonstrated that when families talk openly and honestly about sexuality and their family values, and that when teens feel close to their parents, those teens are more likely to delay getting involved with sex. This new study quantifies that this should be an ongoing part of family discussions, something that sexuality educators have known for a very long time.

After all, why would sexuality be different than other important parts of life? I've never had someone ask me what age they should introduce their religion or their faith beliefs to their child. We seem to just know that even the smallest child can be introduced to our family's faith rituals or receive simple answers to their questions about life, death, and God. We do it with good eating, exercise, safety, family responsibilities -- age appropriate, little by little, giving our family values.

Sexuality should be no different.

Cancelled in Connecticut

I was supposed to speak to parents next week in a nearby town on how parents can educate their children and teenagers about sexuality in their own homes.

The school superintendent cancelled the talk as too controversial, after as I understand it, receiving some concerned calls. Part of the issue that was raised was the flyer that was to be sent home to parents contained the word "sexuality", and the fear was that some parents might now want that word coming into their home.

Really. I wonder what those parents do about television, magazines, radio, newspapers...and oh yes, those ubiquitous Victoria Secret Catalogs.

I've only had events cancelled two other times in my 25 years as a public speaker: once by a group in the deep south who had not done their homework on my positions on abortion and GLBT issues and once because of an unrelated community controversy that meant the timing wasn't right for a visit.

Talks for parents, whether at schools or religious institutions, are probably the least controversial thing I do. My talks, like my books for parents, encourage parents to give their own values about sexuality to their own children. And they are based in the research that shows that when parents talk to their children openly and honestly about their values and about sexuality, their children are more likely to delay sexual intercourse and more likely to protect themselves if they do have sex.

It is hard to believe that in 2008 in Connecticut talking to parents about talking to their own children about sex would be seen as too controversial and risky.

The point is -- the point always is -- that our children and teens are bombarded with sexual messages that we can't control, whether or not there is sexuality education in the schools. As I learned a long time ago, the question is never whether young people receive sex information or not -- it's only whether it comes from trained teachers, trained religious leaders, and empowered parents or whether it comes from the media, their friends, or the street.

I'm sorry that this town chose the latter.

A Brief Commercial...

Happy Leap Year Day!

I've decided to take this "extra" day off today and enjoy some private time, but I couldn't wait to tell you my big news.

I'm about to have a new baby...of sorts.

I held it for the first time this week -- the actual hardcover of my new book for parents. It won't be in stores for a few weeks, but I just found out it can be pre-ordered on amazon for a 5% additional discount before it goes on sale in stores.

And if you order it from this link directly, a portion of the proceeds will benefit our work at the Religious Institute, promoting sexual justice in America's faith communities.

The book addresses how to raise physically, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually healthy children and teens. I look at the media myths that are scaring parents unnecessarily and the real challenges that today's parents and children face. If you are a parent or a grandparent, a youth serving professional or involved with youth in religious institutions, I hope you'll take a look.

And let me know what you think! I'm eager for others to meet the new baby too!

Should We Care About Their Favorite Bible Verse? Uh, no...

My friends and colleagues at The Interfaith Alliance have just put together this short piece, "Pastor in Chief", over at YouTube.

It's really worth the three minutes.

It's a compilation of ten moments where candidates have been asked about their faith in inappropriate ways during this campaign season. I somehow had missed when the Democrats were asked for their favorite Bible verse.

Their timing is apt, especially given Senator Clinton's mocking Senator Obama's inspirational messages this weekend and in light of the almost not to be believed announcement this week that the IRS is investigating the United Church of Christ decision to have Senator Obama as a speaker at last year's general assembly.

We seem to be awfully confused about the role that faith should be playing in this year's campaigns. Thank goodness for folks at Americans United and TIA to help us become clearer. Check out the video.

More Diverse, More Flexible, More Tolerant?

As my regular readers know, I was raised in a fairly secular Jewish household, married a Roman Catholic, and became a Unitarian Universalist in my mid thirties and ordained as a UU minister 5 years ago. My denomination is filled with people who come from other religious backgrounds, often seeking a new religious home that better meets their needs today. Turns out we are not alone.

The Pew Forum released a new report yesterday on the religious affiliations of a random sample of more than 35,000 Americans, ages 18 and older.

It's worth looking at if you are interested in religon and its impact on American life.

And for the perspective of sexual justice, it's a reminder that more than half of Americans are either Roman Catholic or Evangelical Protestant. The mainline Protestant churches represent less than one in five Americans, and non-Christians are fewer than one in 20.

The percentage of UU's, Reform Jews, Buddhists, and Muslims all hover around .7%. And more than one in six American adults report being unaffiliated.

One of the most interesting findings is that more than one quarter of Americans had left what I call their "cradle religion" to change faiths; that number rises to more than four in ten if movement between Protestant denominations are included.

And even more interesting to me is that 4 in 10 people are married to someone who came from another faith. We are perhaps more tolerant and open than we know.

There is a lot to study in this new report, but I think it gives us new understanding that religion is more dynamic in America than we have previously thought. And that dynamism provides religious leaders, including those in my own denomination, with opportunities -- to share our messages of hope, inclusion, acceptance, and welcome to those who may be seeking new faith communities.

Let me know what you think.

Lawrence King, Age 15, Rest in Peace

I wept when I read this story in Saturday's New York Times this weekend.

I am not sure how I had missed the news that last Tuesday at 14 year old boy walked into a middle school classroom in Oxnard, California, near Los Angeles, and used a gun to kill Lawrence King, age 15, presumably because he was gay and gender-non-conforming.

I felt both rage and sorrow, a call to action as well as impotence. HOW is it that in 2008 such hatred and fear about other people's sexuality continue to exist? What would make the 14 year old that scared, that angry to act this out? Why aren't schools safe for young men like Lawrence or educating the young man who is his attacker?

And WHEN are handguns going to be outlawed in this country?

My heart breaks for both sets of parents and family and friends. Lawrence is dead; the other young man's life is changed forever. I understand that there are vigils planned across the country; reach out, find one.

But, more, ask yourself as a person of faith -- what can you do today, this week, this month -- at your local school, your faith community, your town, your country -- to make it safe for all of God's children.

Why I'm Not Concerned about John McCain's alleged affair...and why I don't think you should be

I'm proud to direct you to my Huffington Post column today on this topic - it's also printed here at:

http://www.electionbid2008.com/?p=82791

I am very concerned about all of the candidate's ethics, character, and positions. If McCain gave special favors to a lobbyist, it matters not to me whether they were lovers, family members, close friends or neighbors -- what matters is corruption.

That's important news. Reporting intimate family matters and decisions is private. The press should know the difference.

My Real Job

I have just returned from doing two sessions at a private girl’s school in New York State. I had a great session with the school’s 11th grade peer educators and then did an evening session with the senior girls.

This is my second visit to this school, and one of the things that I really value is that they offer me the privilege of meeting with the young women alone, without any faculty present, so that we can talk openly about issues without their feeling observed. It is a trust that I take very seriously.

I opened both sessions talking about how to make moral, ethical decisions about sexuality. I go over my five criteria for a moral sexual relationship (consensual, non-exploitative, honest, mutually pleasurable, and protected if any type of intercourse occurs) and ask them what they need to know if these criteria are being met (time, communication, trust, and shared values.)

And then I answer questions that they have written before I start on index cards. Some of the questions are factual: when is a girl most likely to be fertile? What’s bisexuality? What’s the most effective method of birth control? Some of the questions are surprisingly explicit, including a much larger number of questions about female orgasm that I might expect among a group of 17 and 18 year old girls. (I don’t think I even knew the word when I was in high school!)

Some of the ones in the evening session were in the “can we shock the minister” genre. One wrote something like, “I’m having sex, lots of it, with people of both genders. Why do I have to be sitting here?” I answered calmly that perhaps she might learn something about ethical sexual decision making, and then addressed the girls who might be sitting wondering why they were there when they had no interest or intention to have sex with a partner for a long time.

The question that was perhaps designed to be the most distressing I actually found amusing. It read, “Dear Rev. Haffner, why don’t you have a real job?” Several young women in the audience actually gasped. But I chose to answer it sincerely, explaining that I run a national organization, serve a church part time, have a counseling practice, and am just about to publish my 6th book. The seniors broke into spontaneous applause. Several apologized to me afterwards for their classmates.

But most importantly, I shared with them that I love the work that I do and that I have been privileged to educate tens of thousands of people about the precious gift of their sexuality. What I wished I had also told them was that I am one of the lucky people who have found their calling in the world, and that my wish and prayer for them would be to do so as well.

Because then, it never does seem like a real job – but a blessing, even in the evenings with teenagers who aren’t sure they want to be there.

Be fruitful and multiply also means go have sex!

I'm just back from a weekend at a lovely resort in Bermuda where I led a series of couple's workshops on love, intimacy and sex. I was there as a favor to a colleague who had arranged the workshops for the month of February but had to be elsewhere this particular weekend.

And what's so interesting to me is that although this was a completely secular workshop, religious influences on these couple's lives kept coming up, especially in the side conversations. Without violating anyone's confidentiality, let me just say that once again, I learned the powerful permission giving role that clergy can play in affirming that sexuality is part of God's blessing and how in even the most conservative religions, sexuality in marriage is to be enjoyed and celebrated. As I told one couple, God wants you to have great sex! I wish more clergy were giving that message!

While I was away, I found out that this blog won two first place awards in the UU blog contest and several second and third places. Thank you to all of you who voted for me -- and check out the other blog winners here. There are some great ones that may be new to you!

I'm off tomorrow to speak at a private school in upstate New York. More on Wednesday when I return. (My close friends and family are beginning to implore me to talk to my overdemanding boss who has taken too many speaking engagements this fall and spring...oh, that would be me.)

Happy Valentine’s Day.

I love that Valentine's Day is almost a national holiday. How great that we have a day to remind us how important love is in our lives. I like that there are organizations that have proclaimed this week as Freedom to Marry Week, V-Day, and even National Condom Week. I like that this holiday has pagan and religious roots, but has transcended all that into a holiday that is celebrated all over the world. I liked the way it was celebrated in elementary school: every child gives a valentine to every other child in the class.

Every Sunday, the congregants at the church I serve as community minister in Westport, CT, begins its affirmation, “Love is the spirit of this church and service its law.” Our religious traditions call us to love our neighbors as ourselves.

Our work at the Religious Institute on Sexual Morality, Justice, and Healing is fundamentally about love. We are working to help create a world where the gift of our sexuality can be celebrated with holiness and integrity. Our core commitments are grounded in love: all children should be loved and wanted; all people should be treated with dignity and respect; all persons should have the right to legal and religious marriage; all people should have the information, education and services they need to make responsible sexual decisions.

We are proud of the work we do at the Religious Institute. In 2007, our budget and our staff doubled in size. We are grateful to those of you who support our ministries and we invite you to learn more about our accomplishments in 2007 in our new annual report.

We don't need to have a partner to celebrate Valentine's Day. Take the time to reach out to all the people you love in your life. Be grateful to each person who has taught you how to love with your whole heart and being -- parent, friend, partner, lover.

May your heart be filled with love this Valentine’s Day.

Don't Bury Sexual Justice Under Common Ground

A new exit poll commissioned by Faith in Public Life in Tennessee and Missouri reports with apparent relief that white evangelical voters are nearly twice as likely to rank jobs and the economy as the most important issues rather than abortion and same sex marriage. Still, between one in five and one in seven voters ranked these as the MOST important issues. Iraq came in a distant third.

Now, I'm not sure how I would answer the question of what is the MOST important issue, for surely as I evaluate the candidates I am looking for their positions on many issues and just as importantly, their experience, their character, and their ability to lead the country (as well as win the election.)

But I do know that their positions on sexual justice matter. As Tim Palmer and I wrote in an article published in the January/February issue of Tikkun, http://tikkun.org/magazine/tik0801/frontpage/sexual_justice, "We must resist the temptation to bury sexual justice beneath common ground. We agree that the moral issues at stake are broader than the mainstream media would suggest. In fact, they are all woven together. And the irony is, if we push aside women ’s reproductive rights and LGBT inclusion, we could do real harm to the very constituencies we agree we are called to serve: children and the poor." The rest of the article goes on to lay out the reasons that those concerned with economic justice must be concerned with sexual justice as well. Read the full article here on sexual justice and morality here.

It is so important that progressive people of faith speak out to make sure that such issues as full legal rights for LGBT persons, stem cell research, sexuality education, HIV/AIDS prevention and services, pay equity, family leave, reproductive health services including safe and legal abortion, and women's rights are addressed from our faith perspectives in the months ahead.

P.S. Please take a moment to vote for this blog, "Sexuality and Religion: What's the Connection" at http://uupdates.net/uublogawards Voting ends on Friday; it will only take a minute. I'd really appreciate your support.

Vote for...ME!

You may not have had the opportunity to vote on Super Tuesday...

You probably weren't asked your opinion for the Grammys or the Academy Awards...

But here's your chance to vote.

It's time for the annual UU Blog awards.

I'm proud to report that this blog, "Sexuality and Religion: What's the Connection?" has been nominated in six categories, including Best Minister Blog and Best Political Commentary, Best of Class.

You vote at http://uupdates.net/uublogawards/ You don't need to be a UU to vote but you can only vote once. You don't need to vote in all categories.

I feel a little silly asking, but if you like what you read here, I hope you'll take a minute to go to http://uupdates.net/uublogawards/ and vote!

More importantly, thank you for reading!

We SHALL Overcome, We are overcoming

I was very happy to be at the Creating Change conference, sponsored by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, and especially moved by the energy and enthusiasm of what seemed like hundreds of people under 25.

I was also moved by the overall sense of optimism. As Bishop Gene Robinson said in his plenary address (watch it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Krd602hYFLs )
"We shall overcome is not a wish. It is a fact."

There is no doubt in my being that one day, maybe within the next decade, the majority of American religious institutions will recognize that sexual diversity is part of God's blessing and that we are all God's children. For surely, we are.

Notes from Creating Change

I'm at the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force meeting, "Creating Change", in Detroit, Michigan this weekend. I spoke yesterday at a meeting of faith leaders on "Why I am More Than An Ally." I hope to turn it into a podcast next week.

Almost 2000 people are at this meeting. As I looked around the ballroom last night at the opening session, I thought to myself, "This is the Far Right's worst nightmare." There is an excitement and energy here that is palpable. I keep thinking of William James, "there is no greater power than an idea whose time has come."

I spent yesterday dressed in my clerical collar. I received a wide range of responses from people, especially people who were at my talk. One young woman told me that I confirmed for her that she has to go to seminary. One told me that he would try church again. But, another person, seeking the collar, asked me if I was here to protest against the meeting.

Unlike the larger world, the presumption here is that all attendees are LGBT. I've had to make the choice a few times in personal interactions whether to come out as a married heterosexual. I am aware of my sexual orientation here in the same way I was more aware of my race when I traveled in rural Japan several years ago. It is a deep reminder of white privilege, of heterosexual privilege.

As Friday begins, my heart is open to today's learnings.

The Morning After...

After staying up way too late last night watching election results, I am leaving this morning for Detroit for Creating Change, the annual conference of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force.

I'm giving a talk tomorrow morning that was to be titled "Why I Am An Ally for GLBT rights." The talk I ended up preparing is more aptly named, "Why I Am More Than An Ally". I will talk about how as a sexologist and a minister -- and as a person who believes to my core that our sexuality is one of God's most life fulfilling gifts to us -- that sexual justice, in its myriad meanings, is MY issue, not just an issue I lend my support to. I'm going to tape the talk, and we'll try to get it up next week on our web site.

The outcome from last night's primary is less clear than many predicted, but it is very clear that the outcome of next November's election will be pivotal for sexual justice - and the rights of all of us to exercise our moral agency to make responsible sexual choices.

VOTE

I've been spending every other day at 7 a.m. the last few weeks at the physical therapist, trying to relieve the injury's I acquired in the fall's pilates reformer classes.

One of the PT's is a Jehovah's Witness and as he places the various equipment on the my body (who thought up electric stimulation anyway??), we've had several theological discussions.

I was stunned to learn this morning that his religion dictates that he not vote in elections. I tried to keep my heart open as I listen to why (which has to do with God being the only true ruler and that we are of God's kingdom not man's), but it was hard for me to comprehend.

I LOVE voting. I love not only the idea that in a democracy we have a say in our leaders, but I love going to the local elementary school, seeing my 80 something high school chemistry teacher who works at the polls each year, entering the voting booth, pulling the levers, buying the homemade baked goods from the PTA parents, and wearing the "I voted" sticker.

And I believe it is our moral obligation to vote -- and to be grateful for the opportunity to do so. I love that more people are turning out for these primaries than ever before, and I even love that this year, for the first time I can remember, I will be happy whatever the results in my party. (And I still have 12 hours to decide exactly who I am voting for...!)

So, in this case, I find it hard to be open to my PT's point of view. To this minister, standing up for what one believes and making oneself heard in this time and place is just too important.

IF YOU ARE IN ONE OF THE 24 PRIMARY STATES PLEASE GO VOTE.

Preventing HIV Around the World -- It Takes More Than Just Say No

The AP reported this weekend that there will be an upcoming battle over the U.S. global AIDS program.

The good news is that both the President and the Democratic Congress want to increase monies for the program. One of the bright lights of common ground in the past few years is a growing recognition by conservatives (both political and religious) that we have a moral obligation to address the HIV/AIDS pandemic around the world.

But that commitment has been hamstrung by the insistance that US monies be reserved for abstinence-only-until-marriage efforts -- in the case of the PEPFAR program, one third of the prevention monies must be used to promote abstinence-until-marriage regardless of the country or the culture. And US policies forbid any monies from being used with prevention programs aimed at sex workers.

This Congress has not been brave in opposing abstinence-only programs for American teenagers, despite the lack of evidence that they have an impact. It's hard for me to imagine they'll be any braver in considering the international program.

But, we can hope and pray that they will understand that the best public health response and the best moral response is to provide prevention dollars that are known to be effective and that allow countries to develop their own programs consistent with their own needs and culture.

And that it is never moral to say, "just say no or die."

Change Does Happen

As a Connecticut resident, I get to vote in the Super Tuesday primary. That's 5 days away.

And, I have to tell you I still haven't made up my mind.

But, I can tell you that I would be honored to vote for either of this candidates in the general election. And that I felt my eyes fill with tears as tonight's debate began. Yes, they are making history before our eyes.

But it's more than that. They are a concrete demonstration that change does happen...that America is a more just country than it was when I entered adulthood...and that those of us who have dedicated our lives to social justice have helped change America.

So here's your chance. Write me here or at the Religious Institute and make a case for your candidate. I don't plan on announcing who I vote for next Tuesday, but I'd love your input.

Last One...

A friend gave me a pin with those numbers as a holiday present. I've worn in on my coat lapel ever since, and it has been a wonderful conversation starter as I go about my errands. I've been asked if it's my birthday, the day I'm going to get married, even once if I was going to have a baby on that day. (The math is a little off here.)

And, when I reply that it is President Bush's last day in office, most people say some version of "Thank God." (Not all -- it has also led to some strong objections to the sentiment.)

I thought about that date alot last night as I listened to the President's final state of the union address. It was still thrilling to see Nancy Pelosi (in her fabulous purple suit!) be recognized as Madame Speaker, but it was even better to imagine a woman or an African American man giving next year's state of the union.

I'll leave it to others to comment on the rosy picture put on the war, the economy, no child left behind and others. The President, unlike past year's, did not mention either abortion or gay marriage. The possibilities of adult stem cell research brought loud applause, and the entire chamber rose when he called for a ban on human cloning. (But really -- is anyone advocating human cloning??) Any mention of supporting the troops brought sustained applause, but I couldn't help wonder why none of the uniformed servicepeople in the audience were women -- surely someone in the White House knows about gender diversity.

1-20-09 is less than a year away. I can't wait to celebrate.

Romance

Yesterday, I spent time with a high school church youth group, talking about moral, ethical sexual decision making and answering their questions about sexuality.

There were a number of questions about the information I had presented about consent laws in Connecticut, some questions about was oral sex really risk for transmission of STDS (the answer is yes), but there were even more questions about relationships. Three of the questions asked some version of "how do I know if someone is into me?"

I think what adults often forget is that for many teenagers, romance trumps sexual behaviors. First love is all encompassing; first heartbreak is devastating.

And it's not just teenagers. Last week's Time Magazine (which I just read last night) has a series of articles on love and romance that I highly recommend to you. I think my students yesterday would be surprised that middle age and elder adults still want to know, "how do you know if someone is really into you?" It only gets a little bit easier with experience.

It's not too early to start thinking about Valentine's Day -- or just this wintery Monday. What's something romantic you can do for your partner -- or yourself?

New Orleans in April

I don't often promote events on my blog, but I've just bought my tickets to the special weekend being created by Eve Ensler and the V Day project in New Orleans April 11 & 12th , and I wanted to make sure my readers know about it.

Here's a blurb from their web site:

April 11-12, 2008 Join Salma Hayek, Oprah Winfrey, Jane Fonda, Jennifer Hudson, Glenn Close, Julia Stiles, Ashley Judd, Marisa Tomei, Calpernia Addams, Rosario Dawson, Kerry Washington, Ellen DeGeneres, and musicians Joss Stone, Common, Eve, and Charmaine Neville on Friday and Saturday, April 11 – 12, 2008 for V-Day’s mega two-day anniversary celebration in New Orleans at the New Orleans Arena and Louisiana Superdome - V TO THE TENTH.

Eve Ensler told me in December that they were holding the event at the Superdome to reclaim it as a safe and healing place for women -- and to make it for those two days the "Super Womb."

There will be healing services, workshops, poetry readings, a new play written and performed by women from New Orleans, and a celebrity performance of "The Vagina Monologues."

If you have never seen "The Vagina Monologues" this is your chance. If you have, you already know why you would want to see it performed by these amazing performers. More than any other artistic endeavor I can't think of, this play launched an international movement of women claiming the power of their bodies and their lives and fighting back against violence and abuse.

To this minister sexologist, it is a powerfully spiritual play. It celebrates God's gift of our bodies and our diverse sexualities in a most powerful way.

I can't think of any place I'd rather be that weekend. I hope you'll join us.

35 Years of Roe v. Wade

Today is the 35th anniversary of Roe v. Wade.

It's hard to believe it's been 35 years. Now, I know that's partly because I was a freshman in college when the decision was handed down -- and it's hard to believe that was SO long ago.

But it's also because 35 years after abortion became safe and legal in the United States, it is still hotly contested rather than understood as a legitimate surgical procedure that allows women to exercise their moral agency when faced with an unplanned pregnancy or a maternal or fetal health crisis.

Last week, the Guttmacher Institute released a report that abortion rates were at their lowest level since 1974 -- but they couldn't explain if that's because abortion is increasingly difficult to obtain or because unplanned pregnancies have decreased or because...

In my experience over the past 35 years walking with women who are facing unplanned pregnancies, first as a friend, then as a counselor, and now as a minster, the reasons that women choose to have abortions or choose to carry pregnancies to term are as individual as the individual woman. Another recent Guttmacher report found that more than half of women choosing abortion already have children and don't feel they can take care of another baby.

But, what I know, deep in my core, is that women do not make these decisions lightly, whatever the outcome. And that today, I am as committed to assuring women's right to safe, legal, and accessible abortion services as I was back in 1973. I just wish I didn't have to be.

A Day to Reflect

I was in the third grade when the March on Washington happened. I was in the 8th grade in 1968 when Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy were murdered.

But, like other late baby boomers I have seen the news clips so many times that sometimes I think I must have been there. (Just like it's hard to remember that I was also too young for the Moratorium or Woodstock or any number of culture events of my childhood and youth.)

I, of course, have read the sermons and the speeches, and I cry everytime I am in a group or church where people sing "We shall overcome." When Senator Obama said in Iowa "this is a day that some said would never come", I teared up in recognition.

But we are not done with racism...or sexism...or homophobia...or stupid wars. I often quote Reverend King -- "injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere." And that's as true today in 2008 as it was in the 1960's.

And that's why Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday is a day for reflection, for recommitment, or asking ourselves what we can do to create the beloved community for us all. I hope you'll ask yourself.